A New Chapter

So I sold my business. 

And I am in Africa.... for the next 8 months...at least.  

Seriously. 

I swear I'm not (totally) insane. 

The last few years have brought about an enormous amount of change in my life, and this is just the next chapter. 

I'm setting up this blog because, for the next few months at least, I will likely be hard to reach and in some new and exciting parts of the world. I thought it would be far easier (And probably more entertaining!) to set up a format where I could let everyone know at once where I am, what I'm doing, and hopefully show you some pictures of my adventures as well. This first entry, however, I offer up as an explanation. 

I'll appologize in advance as well. I tend to be a bit verbose, especially in my writing. While I will try to keep it to a minimum for the rest this blog, this first entry may be a little long so I can explain what I'm doing- and why- for those of you who have wanted to know. So, bear with me, or skip ahead to the next post, but here we go!

The impetus for all of this started a few years ago, with a lot life changes. I was going through a divorce, and because of it, my small business was having problems, too. Without going into too much detail about either here, I'll just say that my 5-year plan suddenly needed to double, so during one of the hardest emotional times of my life, I also had to start working harder than I've ever worked before. For those of you who know me and know that I was already working 6-7 days a week and around 12 hours a day (And had been without a break for almost 3 years) that was saying something... I had to find time to almost double it. 

Although I did get through the divorce, and some other hard personal times in the mix, and although the business was pulling through somehow, I was just about at rock bottom on every level. Worse still, though I'd lived in NY for nearly 8 years, I had almost no support network or friends. My friends had been my husbands', as we met shortly after I'd moved to the city. With the jobs that I'd worked, the hours that I kept, and then the small business that I was running, I had never had the time or opportunity to create a circle of my own. 

After all the fight and the struggle to keep it going amidst everything else, it became clear to me that I couldn't keep it up. The business simply wasn't serving me any more. It was, in fact, killing me. Within a year and a half, I had fallen ill a number of times, and been hospitalized twice. I was miserable, and felt there was no one to whom I could turn. However, I was also in agony over closing the business. 

I felt like a failure. Here, this had been my dream since I was 19. It was all I'd ever said I wanted to do, and I was now going to close it down? Moreover, this was all I'd ever done. What good was I for anything else? I felt so stupid. Once I had been intelligent, but now? I felt that I had no viable skills, and that I had no other options either. I was useless. The only things that I could do would be to go work for someone else again- working for their dream and their designs- or I could do some sort of crappy temp jobs... or be a waitress or bartender again. There was no way out. I was drowning, and I had honestly no desire left in me to keep swimming. I simply couldn't see a light out of the hole I was in. This was rock bottom, and I will admit, I was not doing well with it. 

The thoughts of what I would do with my life ran circles around in my head, and nothing seemed to come to light to make a difference for me. Then one night, I came home, sat down, and tried to think of when I'd been happiest in my life. What was I doing? Where was I? How was I different then? These questions brought me around to my first years in France, living in Aix-en-Provence. And I WAS different then. The line from the Tim Burton version of Alice in Wonderland kept coming into my head. The Mad Hatter says to Alice, "You used to be much...muchier. You have lost your muchness." 

That was precisely it. 

Perhaps this makes no sense to you, but it was exactly right. I had lost my muchness. Somewhere along the way, I had lost the strong and vibrant person that I once had been. The person who had not really thought twice about quitting her job, breaking up with her boyfriend, packing 2 big bags and all her CD's, moving alone to France at 19, without speaking a word of French. The woman who was really living her life. Somewhere along the way, I had decided that it was time to settle down, and do what I was "supposed to do." Have a good resumee, work towards a good job, get married, have a family. Years I had spent stressing and planning all of these things out- the way it was all supposed to go...and even more time planning out all the things that could go wrong and trying to prepare for them. 

Yet, in the end, the rug had been pulled out from under me anyhow. All of it hadn't mattered. Living that life hadn't worked out well for me, and more to the point....I had never been as happy with any of it as I had been those years in Aix.  

This all led me into thinking about other things that I had wanted to do back then. And it hit me. Africa. I had almost gone to Africa. Back then, it was either a year travelling through Europe, or a year travelling through Africa. Yet, I was only 19, and I had never travelled alone before. Africa seemed far too scary for me- and I can honestly say that I made the right decision. Now though? Things were different now. 

The second that I thought of Africa, it was literally as though a small crack of light came into my world. There was absolutely nothing concrete at that point about my thought, but as soon as I thought about it, my heart felt just a tiny bit lighter. Things just seemed a little bit brighter. The more that I did think about it, another thought came into my head. 

I knew that working for someone else was too depressing an idea for me. I literally couldn't do it. It would be like admitting defeat and then offering myself up as a failure to my competition. I couldn't. But coming home after working a job that I didn't love and home to sit on my couch, alone, trying to figure out my next move in life?...Well that seemed like a dead end, too. Taking some time to just go and do something radically different for awhile though? Perhaps it would allow me to see out of the myopic vision that I currently had. 

In thinking more on Africa though, I realized that I could actually turn the adventure and dream into something bigger. I could go there, and I could help others. I could go do aide work. I could get myself out of my own personal and selfish hole, and work on helping someone else with THEIR problems. And maybe, just maybe...along the way I might figure something out for myself, too. 

As soon as that thought came into my head, things changed. 

I can honestly tell you now, that I have never been a hippy-dippy 

"The universe knows!" "Thoughts manifest things in your life!" kinda person...until this past year and a half. Once again, I will try to skip over some of the details here and get right to the meat of it all...but just after I had the thought of Africa starting to glow brightly in my heart, the first person I told about it gifted me a ticket to Burning Man. 

That was in March of last year. 

I will not go into all that the Burn and all the amazing souls who attend it mean to me. I will not tell you all about Burning Man and my experiences there- it would take me a lifetime to share with you that much. However, I will say this:

The second that ticket was gifted to me, and I said yes, it was as if the universe shifted. This was not a large shift. In fact, it was infantesimly small...but that tiny shift in my focus was just enough for me to start seeing possibilities. It literally felt as though I had stepped from the dark and lost places of the world onto a path that was sure and clear in front of me. Saying yes to that ticket, and then starting to say yes to other things that were new and frightening- but having more and more faith that going with my gut would show me the right way to go- changed my world. 

Again, I will not bore you with the details (Perhaps in another post if people want to know), but by the end of Burning Man in September of last year, my whole life had changed. 

I had a huge support network of some of the best people I have ever encountered to call my friends- in NY and beyond. Friends akin to family who did then and continue to now give me absolute unconditional love and support. They have built me up and made me a better and stronger person. 

The experience of the Burn drown out all the "noise" and the background chatter in my life, and brought forth a clear focus on what the next step for me should be. It wasn't a years-in-the-future plan like I had been so tightly wound up by in the past, but a simple way forward for the foreseeable future. A calm that I hadn't felt in years came over me. 

I knew what I had to do. I knew what I really needed to do. It had been there all along, but I had stopped listening to my intuition. The experience I had at the Burn restored that. It restored some of my faith in myself. 

I came home, and I started to make plans and make changes. 

I had a number of things that I wanted to change about myself- areas where I personally needed work- and really dedicated myself to making changes in my life. They started then, but continue now...and I now know they will continue for the rest of my life. Ever changing and hopefully ever growing, this past year has brought about a better and stronger version of me... And I can say with a complete conviction that I have never had before, I am happy. 

I knew I had to go to Burning Man again. So, I would leave after the Burn the following year, and I would go to Africa.  As for the business, I would work through the "wedding year," completing the orders I had for the Fall wedding season, working through the Winter, and making as much as possible in the Spring wedding season before closing. Then, I would sell the business. 

After that it was a matter of finding an aid organization to work with, and decide also on where I wanted to travel as well. When in Rome! If I was flying all the way there, I would also take back the adventure of a life that I wanted. 

I will speak more of the amazing organization, Come Let's Dance, in another post- as I want you to know all about it. As for my travels though, this is what I am doing...as my adventure has just begun. 

My journey starts in Egypt, and I will travel from there to Jordan. My whole life I've dreamed of seeing the pyramids and Petra! 

From Jordan I fly down to Nairobi, then travel through Kenya, Uganda, Rwanda (Where I will be hiking up to see the mountain gorillas!!), then back and through to Tanzania. 

My traveling will end as I climb Kilimanjaro for New Years, and then I make my way over to just outside of Kampala, Uganda, to begin working with Come Let's Dance. 

For those of you who stuck with reading this post, I hope it has answered some questions...and I hope I have not bored you to tears. (If I have...why did you keep reading?! Stop that!) Thank you for listening to my ramblings. 

As I travel through Africa I will try not to create any more of these long posts, but just give you the best of the best- and with luck some amazing photos and maybe even some video, too. 

I welcome all your questions, and will try to answer you when I can. I will attempt to post as much as possible, but there will be times when I am just not going to be in a connected area. Please let me know if there are things that you want to see, things that you want to know more about, or any questions that you have though. I love you all, and can't wait to share this next chapter of my life with you. 

Love, Light, and Happiness, 

Lindsey